My Dad told me almost 12 years ago when my Papa passed "The pain never goes away, you just get used to it". Truer words were never spoken. And while I did not truly understand what that meant at the time, in time, I learned. It's a dull ache, that never leaves you when you lose someone you love. And so when when my Nana passed, this past August, I needed to remind myself all over again, that the pain will never go away, so stop expecting it to. By coming to terms with this, it doesn't stop the tears from falling, it doesn't stop my heart from hurting, but it did stop the burden of feeling like I needed to heal, and that I needed to do so in a timely manner.
With my Nana specifically, in her later years, her life was not that of a quality she deserved. Bed ridden and reliant on home attendants, prevented living and promoted existing. She was a remarkably strong woman, who lived for her children and grandchildren, and kept her spirits afloat, as to not worry or burden us with the thought that she was not well, or unhappy. But the truth is, no matter how hard she tried, we all knew, and we all hurt for her. When she passed, naturally the loss was (and still is) devastating to me and my family. But, there comes a certain sense of calm, and gratefulness when I think about where my Nana is now, living, truly living...and without pain and the freedom to move around. Selfishly, we want our loved ones here forever, but selflessly, we want them to be happy and without pain.
Words will never be able to capture all that my Nana gave to me throughout my life, and how it will carry me through the remainder. Fortunately, I did my very best to show her how much I love her while she was here with us, and I continue to do so even now. Every time I reach for the phone to call her, and realize I can't, I say it aloud, so she knows I was thinking of her. I speak of her often, and I speak to her every day, several times throughout. We honor the lives of those we love, by keeping their memories alive, and their legacy recognized. The greatest gift we can give to those that have blessed us with their love, is to realize that love never ends...
Nana, I love you more...
*Shelby
I share your pain Shelb, I too know what it's like to lose someone you love dearly. My father was killed when I was just 16. Life as I knew it was flipped upside down. I went from a boy to a man in one day. From child to basically the head of a house hold. The only good thing that came from his passing is that my little brother was brought here to the US. See my father was in Haiti doing "business" whatever that means. He was killed there, we don't know who or why it happened. Since he was brought to the US, his wife came here to bury him. With her came my lil brother. The first time I held him was at my father's funeral. I know your pain, and I hope my father is in a better place.
ReplyDeletethanks for sharing this with us, your readers.
Naro, I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your Dad, especially at such a young age. BUT, what I do think is wonderful, is the man you turned out to be. Adversity shapes us as individuals, but that doesn't always mean in the right form. What you have been through is not fair, but you didn't let that stop you from becoming a good man, for not only yourself, but your brother and the rest of your family. I'm a Faithful person, and I truly believe that your father is looking over you, smiling, proud and thankful.
ReplyDeleteThank you for telling your story, that is truly what this is all about..sharing, relating, growing....
<3 Shelby