"The Source Of Tears"

I laid down in bed, placed my head against the pillow. 
A tear dropped from the inner corner of my eye and streamed across the bridge of my nose. 
And like most streams, it turned into a river. 
A river of tears. 

I don' know why I cried, or how it came to be. 
I just know that I was sad and needed to. 

I'm sure it has to do with the sound of steps walking away, 
Or the pieces of my heart that have been stolen. 
Scared by the silence that fills my room, 
and that time is neither enemy nor friend, but just is. 

I know that today will be new, 
and perhaps no source of tears shall fall into a river. 
I am tired, but I'm not weak. 
Tears fall because I'm strong. 
They make me real. 


- MBV, *Shelby

Creative Cameo

Did You Ever… 

Did you ever walk in the rain and dismiss being wet, 
Or watch in complete awe from the beauty of a sunset? 

Did you ever smile as your face lay gently down to sleep, 
And hope that your secret thoughts are what your dreams decide to keep? 

Did you ever sit in the shade on the hottest of summer days, 
Where the coolness of the breeze helps you indulge in lazy ways? 

Did you ever find one place that reminds you of all of this, 
Fortunate for me, I found it in his kiss...


~ MBV, *Shelby

Whenever I said I love you Nana, she would always reply..."I love you more"...

This post is dedicated to my Nana, who's love will remain with me forever...

My Dad told me almost 12 years ago when my Papa passed "The pain never goes away, you just get used to it".  Truer words were never spoken.  And while I did not truly understand what that meant at the time, in time, I learned.  It's a dull ache, that never leaves you when you lose someone you love.  And so when when my Nana passed, this past August, I needed to remind myself all over again, that the pain will never go away, so stop expecting it to.  By coming to terms with this, it doesn't stop the tears from falling, it doesn't stop my heart from hurting, but it did stop the burden of feeling like I needed to heal, and that I needed to do so in a timely manner.

With my Nana specifically, in her later years, her life was not that of a quality she deserved.  Bed ridden and reliant on home attendants, prevented living and promoted existing.  She was a remarkably strong woman, who lived for her children and grandchildren, and kept her spirits afloat, as to not worry or burden us with the thought that she was not well, or unhappy.  But the truth is, no matter how hard she tried, we all knew, and we all hurt for her.  When she passed, naturally the loss was (and still is) devastating to me and my family.  But, there comes a certain sense of calm, and gratefulness when I think about where my Nana is now, living, truly living...and without pain and the freedom to move around.  Selfishly, we want our loved ones here forever, but selflessly, we want them to be happy and without pain.

Words will never be able to capture all that my Nana gave to me throughout my life, and how it will carry me through the remainder.  Fortunately, I did my very best to show her how much I love her while she was here with us, and I continue to do so even now.  Every time I reach for the phone to call her, and realize I can't, I say it aloud, so she knows I was thinking of her.  I speak of her often, and I speak to her every day, several times throughout.  We honor the lives of those we love, by keeping their memories alive, and their legacy recognized.  The greatest gift we can give to those that have blessed us with their love, is to realize that love never ends...

Nana, I love you more...

*Shelby

The longest journey begins with one step...

If you told me that you wanted to travel to to a country I never heard of, I would not only research the land which you choose to visit, but I'd find you the best way to travel there, hotels options, top rated restaurants, and every activity known to mankind that you can partake in.  If you told me that you wanted to become a Doctor after years of being a cashier, I'd pour my energy into finding out the right courses you would need to take at the most affordable Universities available, and if you couldn't afford it, I would research financial aid.  If it was 20 degrees outside and snowing (which it happens to be), and I was cozy and warm on my couch, but you were in the mood for ice cream...I would put my snow boots on and get you some.

BUT...

If I want to travel, I google a page here and there, and then realize that figuring out connecting flights is too time consuming, so why not dial up a travel agent.  If I ever wanted to become a Doctor, I'd no sooner reach for a stethoscope on October 31st and be content with playing one on Halloween.  If "brrrrr" has become part of my vocabulary while sitting on the couch craving ice cream, I simply trade the r's for some z's...and go to bed...hungry.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that in the past, I never really felt I was worth taking that extra step for.  I've become a master at seeing the good in others, their talents, their skills, their capabilities.  I pretty much stop at nothing for those I care for, and believe in them wholeheartedly.  But here's the thing, I wouldn't change that for anything (or anyone).  I will always be a cheerleader for my family and close friends, and will support and encourage them beyond easy means.  But today, the change I make is more like an addition, today I just add one more person to that collection, me.

This blog is the start of going that extra step, you know, the step they say you need to take in order to start that journey...